Akira Tsurukame 鶴亀彰
Title: I have started a little compassion movement.
I've seen many books on how to make yourself understood. However, I've never come across a book that teaches how to listen to others. I was pleasantly shocked by Mr. Tsurukame's lecture on "listening with your heart" to what others have to say. Here is what Mr. Tsurukame had to say about his experience.
I was born in Kagoshima Prefecture in 1941, the year the Pacific War began. After graduating from La Salle High School and Kyoto University of Foreign Studies, I joined the New Orient Express Company in 1964, the year of the Tokyo Olympics, to take care of visitors from overseas. In 1966, I was assigned to the Los Angeles office of New Orient Express, where I worked in Los Angeles and New York to recruit and send out delegations to Japan from North, Central and South America. In 1979, I made a round-the-world trip for almost a year, the first half with a friend and the second half with my family. In Los Angeles in 1980, I founded California Coordinators, Inc. to provide local assistance to companies from Japan expanding into the United States and Mexico.
When I was three years old, I lost my father, who was the chief engineer of a submarine in the Japanese Imperial Navy. In 2003, I started a journey with my wife to find my father and his submarine. We had many unexpected encounters, and our journey, which was supposed to last one year, continued until 2013. We met the bereaved family of the Dutch submarine crew that my father's submarine sank off the coast of Borneo. I also met the captain of the British submarine that sank my father's submarine in the Malacca Strait. In addition, I continued to meet individuals and groups in the Netherlands, England and the United States who hated Japan and the Japanese people even long after the war because of the scars of war. War is violence. Violence can only create new sorrow and hatred, and is not a real solution. It leaves many emotional scars such as sorrow, pain, and suffering on the losing side as well as on the winning side. In addition to our three Japanese, British, and Dutch submarine families whose fathers fought against each other, I have also met people and their families who were captured by the Japanese military in Singapore, Indonesia, and the Philippines, and spent miserable and harsh days until the end of the war. They formed various organizations to keep the memories alive after the war. For example, the "American Defenders of Battan & Corregidor” and the "Pearl Harbor Survivors Association." But somehow, I was able to reconcile with these people and build deep friendships with them. I published two books from Gakushu Kenkyusha, "In Search of My Father at Sea: The Miraculous Encounter between Japan, Britain, and the Netherlands" and "Japanese Submarine I-166: The Bond of Requiem". I still keep in touch with my acquaintances through e-mail and zooming, but many of them have already passed away. Why were we able to reconcile and build friendship with former enemies? It was because we opened our hearts to each other and listened sincerely to each other's sorrow, pain, suffering, anger, hatred and resentment. My wife and I call it "listening with the heart."
I feel that "listening with the heart" can be applied in our daily lives. If we listen to a friend who is going through a sad and painful experience quietly and with all our heart, it may help the friend to regain new courage. Be careful not to interrupt or give advice, even if you mean it well. Just listen with a compassionate heart. Listening with the heart can also be helpful in resolving conflicts between spouses, parents and children, and friends. The first thing to do is to look the other person in the eye and listen to their words quietly, with the intention of listening to what they have to say for two hours. Listen to the feelings and emotions behind the words. To do this, pay attention to the other person's facial expressions, never interrupt, never argue, never make excuses, never offer opinions, just listen. And that's it for the next two hours. If you have another discussion at a later date, the other person will probably listen to your feelings and arguments as well. Through these discussions, you will be able to find the right compromise. We have experienced several success stories. There was a friend and her husband who were on the verge of divorce. When they visited our house, they were cursing each other. Both the husband and the wife were denouncing the other and asserting their own righteousness. The arguing only got more intense. My wife and I suggested to both of them that they not argue. We asked them to just follow the rule of not interrupting or arguing when one of them was talking. At first, the wife talked for an hour, tearfully expressing her feelings and emotions. Her husband tried to argue with her, but I calmed him down and let him listen to her until the end. Regardless of the merits of each issue, at least the wife's grief and sorrow seemed to have been conveyed. Next, I asked her husband to explain the cause of his anger. To my surprise, at the bottom of his anger was his anger at his own financial inadequacy. For the first time, this fact was conveyed to his wife. It became clear that her comments and attitude had seriously damaged his confidence and pride.
They had always loved each other and were very close. However, financial worries and a series of misfortunes had put a heavy burden on their hearts, and as they continued to struggle, their hearts had somehow drifted apart. They were so consumed with their own worries and anxieties that they began to complain and complain to their partner. Arguing will only deepen the hurt in the other person's heart. After learning the habit of listening with the heart, they are able to talk and help each other and put the other person first, even though business has been slow due to the Corona pandemic. There are differences in senses and sensitivities between men and women that arise from gender differences. Nowadays, this has a positive effect on their ability to make the right decisions together.
And now, changing the subject , Russia has invaded Ukraine. It is the beginning of another war. There will be deaths in both Ukraine and Russia, and there will be many bereaved families who will grieve. I would like President Putin and President Biden to listen with their hearts if they can. Some people say that this is a conflict between a democracy and a despotism, but I think that President Putin's actions are based on a strong sense of nationalism. President Putin seems to be saddened, humiliated, and angered by the past, when the collapse of the Soviet Union allowed Eastern European countries not only to gain independence, but also to join the Western military alliance (NATO). There may also be anxiety and fear of being besieged by democracies.
Of course, I also think that President Putin's unilateral invasion of Ukraine, violating the sovereignty of an independent country, is a big mistake. Excessive nationalism that tramples on humanism (humanitarianism) will eventually lead to war. However, I think the best course of action is to listen to President Putin's grief, anger, and anxiety, and not just to impose economic sanctions unilaterally and corner him. Nationalism is spreading in the world, and division is spreading. It seems that the time has come when it is important to "listen with the heart" based on humanism and compassion for each other as people living on the same planet. First of all, I would like to start with each one of us and expand our empathy and compassion. My friends and I have started a "little compassion movement". It is a small act of compassion that we can do in our busy lives. Just praying for the happiness of others is fine, but I think listening with your heart is the most compassionate thing you can do at home, work, or school.